To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
We need a shit load of segways right now
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
