he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
