Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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