ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
