I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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