I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
