i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
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