she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
