Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
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Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
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It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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