So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
