You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Sorry about my life...
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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