Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
