I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
