WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
