im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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