I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
