had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
