God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
