I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
