When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think I died a long time ago.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
