Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
