What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
