Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
