Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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