You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
