I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
