Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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