i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
