I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
