I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
