A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
