I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
