My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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