When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
