why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I am available for nakedness