I accidentally burped into my bong.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You took a bar mat shot.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...