can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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