never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
