Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
