woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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