If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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