From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
