She even gives head with a lisp.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
