...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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