imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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