Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
