Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
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She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
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I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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