Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
