I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
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you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
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We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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