I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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