i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
You smell like stripper and shame
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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