why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
