Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
