if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
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We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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