the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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