He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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