my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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