If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
